//I am here.
I am probably lurking.
one of my other blogs sort of got creamed so i’m a little bummed
but let’s plot i can do the plotting
In such an ugly world
For something so BEAUTIFUL
Oh, that every time I look inside.
~ naive - the kooks.
Her chest tightened at his words, even as he trailed off she knew what he meant. For most of his childhood, he never even expected to make it to 18. He nearly hadn’t, and that incident still haunted her. Marriage, children, even any form of long term relationship were far from anything he ever expected when they were children and even when they were young adults trying to find their way in the world.
“Let me help you… John, you don’t have to do this all alone,” she stated again, wishing he would let her in. It already hurt enough seeing him like this. She couldn’t shake the guilt she felt for not being around when he returned to London. But he had managed to find someone to love. And she was truly happy that he hadn’t been alone. Even if that fact made her heart hurt. Even if she wanted nothing more than to shred every letter she had from him and destroy everything he had ever given her. She was glad he hadn’t been alone.
“Because you cannot function without sleep. You can sleep, and you need to sleep.”
If I can learn to put the image of you bleeding out on the floor out of my head when I was a child. You can learn to sleep after watching Mary dying.She didn’t dare tell him that though. “You don’t have to do any of this alone. Let people help you. I can take care of Rosie while you do what you need to do.” Even if it does break my heart to hold your child.
“Alone…” Alone is what I have. Alone protects me. Hadn’t Sherlock said that once? He’d been right. Alone protects people. John had yelled back at him that friends protect people, but maybe he’d just wanted to believe that. Maybe he was stupid. Real, real stupid. Still, he couldn’t even form those words, or really any words past ‘alone’. He wanted to slide down against the cabinets and never get back up. He couldn’t breathe.
John shook his head, setting everything down, struggling to take a breath and falling into a chair. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t do any of it. What was he supposed to do with Rosie? How was he supposed to care for her? How… His head swam, not for the first time since this had all started, and he wondered what would happen if he broke right there. Just let himself start sobbing and never stop. Not until there was nothing left of him.
He put his head in his hands and imagined nothing but darkness for a moment, nothing but the blackness, what it would be like if he could never feel or think ever again, just be enveloped in the dark. “I don’t want it anymore. None of it.”
